Balance.

06 November 2009
Hello, my name is Michelle, and I am a perfectionist and a control freak and constantly spread myself too thin attempting to help everyone all the time.  I have never been good at balance, at juggling, at accomplishing what I need to do in a way that is not detremental to my sanity.  Ever.  As much as it pains me to admit it, I just can't do it all, though I'd like to sure give it a try.  I love to do things for other people, to lend a hand, to help a friend, to be a shoulder to cry on, to kiss tears away, to be an amazing wife, to be the cheerleader, to be a fun great mom, to help my sisters, to be a coherent {after reading this post you'll know that's bullshit} writer, to welcome new friends, and on and on and on.  Ummmm, it is however, exhausting.  I think the entire month of June I was running on caffeine and adreneline.

I am pretty sure though, that I've massively given the wrong opinion to my friends who think I have everything  together all the time.  No one does.  When I posted THIS, a very dear, amazing friend whom I love to death, sent me an email that said, "Stuff like that reminds me that you're a little bit human and don't completely have your stuff together as well as you carry it out."  Well, I am pretty sure if I had three kids to run around after and another one on the way, I wouldn't be able to function nearly as well as you do, so let's call it even.  I don't ever want my friends to feel like that though, like I'm not human and have all my shit together all the time.  That I don't bitch about things and have bad days and drop the ball.  The truth is, it is almost crippling to admit that sometimes I'm just a fuck up like everyone else.  I forget to renew my EXPIRED drivers license for {almost} 6 months, I feed my child pizza for breakfast, and I am pretty sure my husband would agree that it would be great if I could actually make dinner more than twice a week because our budget sucks when we get takeaway five nights a week.  

Another friend and I were having a conversation this week about babies and she very pointedly asked me if I realized that I very likely wouldn't have another Finnegan.  You mean all babies don't walk at eight and a half months, talk by age one, & potty train themselves before they are two?  It isn't always easy though having a child that does things quickly people.  He figured out the child safety locks in 20 minutes... the ones that took Dave 45 minutes to install.  He is extremely sensitive and I have to reason with him all of the time and discuss things and yesterday he had a meltdown for an hour because he didn't want to get himself dressed.  An hour.  I almost lost my shit 47 times in those 60 minutes as my sister will attest.  Tonight, he sprinkled parmesan cheese all over the kitchen and himself because he loves "sprinkle!  sprinkle!"  Yep.  Not always sunshine and roses.

Things internally have been screwy for me lately.  I wasn't kidding when I talked about feeling like I had adult ADD.  I have so much going on that I don't have time to myself to get centered, to feel at peace, to rest, or to do the 8.5 million other things I want to accomplish.  I hate feeling like my connection is gone, it screws with the person I am and affects everything.  In fact, I just spent 25 minutes looking for an old conversation on Facebook to illustrate my point even further about how my friends view me before giving up and relizing, it's just not that fucking important.  {If you're keeping track that is two F Bombs in one blog post.} I didn't shower today or get out of my pjs until 3:35 in the afternoon.  I just don't want to waste my time bitching about it or being negative about it, but know this, I am not always together.  I am human and you, or you, or even you over there who is a little stalkery again, aren't the only one that doesn't have it all together.

Why am I unloading all of this?  Simple.  I had a conversation last night that pointed out immediately that the person I am inside isn't always the person that the world is seeing, re-affirmed my need for rest, and aside from the obvious conversation we were having told me in no uncertain terms {your blocks SPFF} that I wasn't as in tune with things as I needed to be.  There were good things, but it was unsettling, those pieces that just weren't there and of course, hearing the obvious.  Things that I already had been telling myself about needing to slow down, needing to say no, needing to sleep, needing to just rest my thoughts seemed like glaring declarations of how far I've gotten off course when someone else, a perfect stranger, said them out loud.  I feel blessed to have had Georgie bring her to me just when I needed it most with this post and that she was kind enough, generous enough, to share her talent with me.

It was enlightening and fun and emotional.  We talked about so much, that I wished now that I had recorded the conversation.  The things I didn't understand, I wrote down after we got off the phone because maybe 6 months from now they will make sense and some already do this morning.  After we got through the reading, we talked for a few minutes.  She admitted that I was one of the hardest readings she has done in awhile, but didn't make me feel bad about it.  She is so calming and fun to talk to that I could imagine us staying in touch.  So, let's be friends Sassy Pants Freckle Face, ok??  I'm even alright not twitching too much with the fact that you hate most democrats, it makes you a little imperfect.

Have you ever had a reading?  Do you think it is a bunch of spiritual mumbo jumbo?  Do you believe in the universe guiding you through certain situations?  Do you think there are people who are intuatively gifted?  Are you skeptical?  Are you open to the possibility?  If you'd be interested in your own reading, please head over to her blog and leave a comment or send her an email and let her know that Michelle recommended that you do one yourself.  Do it quickly before she fills up!  And leave me a comment telling me how it went.

Oh, and even though I'm not perfect, I am still fabulous, no?

6 comments:

Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

I say yes to Fabulous,.. very much so!

Friends, thought you'd never ask <3

Emily said...

You are definitely still fabulous.

When I made the comment about another Finn, I didn't mean to imply that I thought you had it easy with him all the time. Even genius babies have their difficulties - including that early walking crap (I know that one from experience).

I think part of that comment came from a bit of jealousy. I would LOVE to be able to reason with W, or know why he's having a meltdown. But he's not there yet, and probably won't be for a couple of years. You got that early, and it sounds like it's both a blessing and a curse.

If your next one isn't a genius baby, you'll have a whole new set of struggles in learning how to deal with "normal," which will require a new set of parenting skills. I'm not saying it will be bad, just different.

All that being said, I'm still going to think your a completely put-together mom and hate you for it because your kid potty trained himself by two. He needs to start giving W some lessons.

Katie said...

I know what you mean about feeling completely out of balance and I don't even have any kids to worry about. The idea of a reading sounds very interesting, but I am always skeptical about those kind of things.

SugarBritches said...

There are a lot of things I want to say about this post. Too many words and thoughts all jumbled up that I can't coherently spit out.

So instead just {{hugs}}

Brittany said...

Now this? I can relate to.

I find beauty in flaws, and boredom in perfection.

And a reading? Yes. Please.

marymac said...

I love your blog. Thanks for stopping by and commenting at Pajamas and Coffee. But when I came over here and saw your Halloween party pictures? I fell in bloggy twinsistery love. I hope you'll stop by again and that we can not only trade blogroll linkyjuicebox sugar but that we can rent a beach house and hang out or something!
Carry on with rocking.

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