How Do You Know When You’re Done?

03 September 2013

052

This discussion has been had in our house a hundred times.

We’ve always said we’d have two.  Always.  But now?  I’m not so sure.

For those of you who have been reading for ages, you will know that Finn and Tate didn’t come easily.  The getting pregnant process was an arduous one.  Finnegan was conceived on Clomid, Tate on a combination of FSH and Femara.  The whole process was met with one obstacle and hurdle after the next. 

Then, there was the whole matter of Dave having to put me into an ambulance.  That, my friends, is a difficult thing to watch for anyone.  He can’t do that again and I?  I understand it completely.  What he went through was far worse than what I did.   Sure, I was the one who felt the pain, but that isn’t the worst of it. 

The worst is that he watched it all and remembers things with a non-morphine induced perspective.   He had to answer questions about which circumstances it would be ok to revive me and whether or not I had a living will or medical power of attorney.  That isn’t an easy task when it’s thrown in your face.

He’s done, that Dave of mine.  He has squashed the idea of a third like a bug with one little phrase, “no more fertility drugs.”  Trust me when I say, I hear him. 

But I also feel a little tug tug tug on my heart strings, a whisper asking me if I’m really done.

How do you know for sure?  Did you end up with the number of children you had hoped for?  Did you and your spouse ever disagree about that number?

75 comments:

Ashley said...

Dude....Warren wants more so bad he can't stand it. He asked me to call the doc and find out what type of tubal procedure was done that way we would know how successful a reversal would be. He was ready and willing to shell out the money to get me un-fixed.

I was slightly game. Slightly. I love kids. I mean obviously since I have three but I truly love the little bit of freedom I have with them all just now being over 5 years old.

Unfortunately for him the doc did the whole burning thing which doesn't have a great reversal rate. I would love to adopt and have tried to get him to go that route but he won't.

ugh.

Anonymous said...

I just want one. And I'm still waiting, after three years. :/ -Bea

StarGazer said...

While we were lucky enough to be able to get pregnant without intervention, I had problems after number 2: post partum hemorrhage, crash team called, blood transfusions, hospital stay, several operations over the next few months to sort things out...nothing like your drama but pretty bad & like yours my DH can't un-see any of it or un-think those thoughts, he was terrified that he was going to have 2 kids & no wife, he'll never forget that. It was months before we were able to admit to each other that we both thought I was going to die.

I urge you to really consider your dh's feelings & fears & think about how much the 2 gorgeous children you have need you. I was thinking about having a 3rd, not certain just considering it, but my dh's "No more, EVER" was something I could understand & respect.

I don't mean to sound judgmental, just a friendly word from someone who has kind of been there, done that.

tawnylaquay said...

My friend did intervention for her first two then she ended up getting preggers all on her own. Her surprise baby just turned 1.

I never did intervention and after 7 years of unprotected sex we got pregnant, so it happens. I think changing out lifestyle and working out on the regular is what prompted my hormonal change. I am open to more - but who knows.

Amanda said...

thought we'd have two but after one with a heart defect and multiple surgeries, we're done and so thankful he is now a healthy boy. having a health scare was a big wake up call for me about all the stuff that can go wrong...

Anonymous said...

I was 17, said a prayer asking for 2 boys then a daughter... in that order. A very specific and detailed prayer, but 14 yrs later I can say I have two boys and a daughter... in that order. :D Now that the youngest is 4, tubes are tied, and everyone around me is supporting a baby bump... I now wish I had prayed for more. Hubs on the other hand... wanted NONE to begin with then when #1 came he was happy and was the one who brought up bringing in #2 & #3.

Tanja said...

I want two my husband only wants one. Its a huge issue for me since we had agreed on two before we started (he doesn't remember this agreement). Every day I hate him a bit more for it.

Meagan M. said...

I think what you are experiencing is normal. I'm going through it myself. It's bittersweet to see your children grow up. You love their current stage but you miss your baby. I see pregnant people all the time and secretly wish I was pregnant- a little bit. I also know that I currently have my hands full and am not ready for another. My heart says one thing and my brain says another. Still my husband is firm on two and through. Maybe one day I'll adopt or foster.

Michelle Albright-Peters said...

Loving all of these comments and perspectives today.

I'm a little surprised myself at wanting another. Not because of what happened when I was sick, but I because I had always just pictured myself with two. I love the fact that my kids are sleeping through the night and that we're ready to rid ourselves of diapers. And yet...

Mike said...

Adoption is an option that would avoid the health concerns. We may add to our family one day that way. People often say, "Wow, you guys are awesome people for considering that." But we're not awesome - we just opened our hearts and prayers to the possibility. Anyone can do that. Maybe it's something to consider.

kristag said...

I am pondering the same thing. I have two boys ages 3 & 1. No trouble conceiving and had good pregnancies as well, though initial health issues with baby #2. Considering this decision a lot more; the first time it was "let's have a baby". Second time around it was "we can't have just one". Hubby feels 2 is enough, but I've always dreamed of having a girl and might like to give it one more go. The choice will affect the whole family: time, money, etc - just don't want to look back later in life and wish we'd had a third. Wondering if I am being selfish? Really unsure.....

Emily said...

Sweet mother, I just KNEW. I knew I was done when W was about three months old. And then R came along, and I was SUPER done. I wanted a girl so badly, and B still wants a third kid, but I couldn't (though I did tell him he could have as many kids as he wants - as long as they aren't with me). Either the baby or I (or both) wouldn't have survived another pregnancy. I knew that truth deep down and knew I had to look out for myself, even though I felt a bit bitchy about essentially making a unilateral decision regarding our future offspring.

This is one of those issues in marriage where there's no happy compromise. One spouse "wins" and one "loses." Being a risk-averse lawyer-type, I tend to err on the side of caution. When it comes to babies, I think less is more. But only you know if a third baby would complete your family.

Really, you should just flip a coin. Leave it up to fate. D can't argue with that, right?

Candace said...

I still wonder. We both, my husband and I, always wanted three. I have a history of getting pregnant fairly easily, but losing them quickly. I have two healthy boys - and 7 miscarriages. I want a third, but with the youngest now being 5, and we're 38 and 41, I'm thinking it's time to call it quits. I want a third, but I feel like the time has passed. I hope I don't feel like a piece of me is missing as time goes on.

Kelly Z said...

We wanted 1-2. After one miscarriage, 3 IUI's and 1 attempt at an IVF cycle (that turned into another IUI) we're done :'( He said he can't stand to watch me have to continuously stick myself with needles. I often wonder if we should've made one more attempt at IVF.

Just A Normal Mom said...

I never questioned having just one until... he started packing for college this week. Hold me.

Charla J Schneider said...

Good question. So many people have told me that you KNOW when you're done. You just KNOW. My last pregnancy was difficult, we have three I'm not young and my husband is DONE. But I don't have that feeling, that 'I KNOW' feeling like everyone said I would. I still feel like I could welcome one more into our family. But whenever I engage my brain in the conversation - it's clear that we're done.

Tammy Deadman said...

We needed chlomid to have our boys too, and while the plan had always been to have two, I remember thinking a few days after our second was born, that maybe we weren't really done yet. Our third took the decision into her own hands though, and we conceived spontanously two months post partum. I don't know if we would have decided to have a third, but now that we have her, we know we are done. And got hubby fixed, since apparently my body has figured out this baby making thing.

But I still see pregnant women or new babies and think...maybe...

Anonymous said...

I think whole "you'll just know" thing only works for some people. I know many women, myself included, that would always "want" another baby. It's a biological desire for some of us. I have personally been struggling with the separating that natural, biological wish from what I actually want for my life. My only child is four years old. His dad has a 16 month old and another one on the way. My son tells me repeatedly he wants me to have another baby so that he can have a brother at our house too. But I just don't know. Financially my boyfriend and I are not in a place to go there. And I have insulin-dependent diabetes, so there are lots of health concerns. I guess time will tell, but I'm thinking that probably I will not have any more kids.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you, Candace! I can't imagine your struggles. Check out the Creighton Model of NFP!

Michelle Albright-Peters said...

I don't buy into the whole "you'll know" thing either. It isn't just a matter of the heart, it's a decision that affects an entire family of other people. It is the same as people that tell you that you're never going to be totally ready for a baby so just do it... I think you CAN and should be financially stable and ready for a child. You CAN use birth control and wait until you are able to handle the responsibility. You SHOULD be over partying and hanging out at the bar because dude, it's WAY more fun to do that stuff without a child.

Sarah davis said...

I was told not even IVF would work and I would never have my own. We had our son went on bc and 13 months later our daughter came into this world. I originally wanted 5 kids when we first got married. Hubby wanted 3 but after my diagnosis and going through severe post pardom depression with both our kids we said we were done. Our daughter turned 3 and now we're expecting baby 3.

Superjaxster said...

I'm feeling that tug recently. We have one right now, but two would be nice. Funny I said one when we started and hubby said 2 but now it is the opposite!

Anonymous said...

After having 2 horrific bouts of post-partum depression and 3 kids in less than 4 years, I made sure we were done at 3. In fact, I thought I was done at 2 because I knew that I could not live through another bout of PPD. But #3 was determined to be here (on b/c and breast-feeding, but got pregnant anyway) and he is the joy of my life. Funnily enough, I made it through his infancy with no PPD and no drugs. So, I guess that life works out and what is meant to happen will happen. Enjoy your little peeps and life will show you what is meant to happen next. Really, enjoy this time b/c it goes fast. #3 is now 11 and in middle school - where did the time go? Just yesterday, he was a crawling baby who loved to scoot up the stairs, climb into the bathroom sink, turn on the water and suck everyone's toothbrushes!

Anonymous said...

Hubby and I are both 'sibling survivors' (I lost my oldest brother, so our family of 3 kids became 2 kids; he lost his youngest brother, so his family of 5 kids became 4 kids), and we were blessed to have one of each...but we started late, and I always worry "what if?" Don't get me wrong! We agree: we have more than enough love and fulfillment with one of each, but still; if we were just a teeny bit younger (I'll be 40 this year; hubby turns 50 next year) I'd be all over fulfilling my 'vision' of 3! ...and I'd do it just to make sure that IF anything horrific ever happened to either of our amazing babes, the survivor sibling wouldn't end up as an 'only child' - am I nuts? Hell yes. Neurotic, psychotic, and paranoid...but the reality is I come by it honestly. Then again: our baby (boy) came when I had just about given up (our daughter was turning 3 and we'd been 'trying' since she was a year), so chances are: biology would probably argue is favour of my husband who tells me (ala the movie Knocked Up) that we're old as f***, so we're DONE! ;)

Michelle Albright-Peters said...

Anon, that is quite possibly the best comment I've ever heard. Your husband is a riot.

Anonymous said...

Some people know, some don't. I knew. We only planned for two. So when the second pregnancy went horribly wrong, that clinched it. I mean ambulance ride, bloody crime scene kind of wrong. Followed by months of hospitalized bed rest and still winding up with an emergency c section. And a baby born prematurely with a series of incredibly rare birth defects. I swear I'm not making it up even though it sounds like a bad Lifetime movie. Almost six years later, the story is a much happier one - I'm fine and she's awesome. Truly a miracle child living an amazingly ordinary life. But I could never put my family through that again. And my hubby says "hell to the NO" on the subject. But that's just my story. Good luck!

Mollie said...

I'm done! I have 2, and I've never regretted it in 5 years - that's the teller for me. I've been through friends and siblings babies, and love them SO much, just don't feel the need for another of my own. Not once have I snuggled another baby and felt the pull for one of my own, and to me, that means I was meant for 2! :)

Amanda Hendrick said...

I just discovered your blog when one of my facebook friends posted something about it. I read a few other entries and was interested and thought about following it. and then i read this one. and i knew i HAVE to follow it. i absolutely love when people are open about infertility, having struggled myself. i felt i needed to say thank you. so thank you!

Carah Tabar said...

We have four boys, ages 6,4,3, and 1 (and yes, we'd love a girl; my hubby says that's the best way to get a football team!)

I always say: look to the future. When you are 80 and sitting on your rocking chairs on the front porch, will you wish you hadn't had those children, or will you wish you'd had more? Fertility doesn't last forever, and there will come a day when it is just not physically possible anymore. Yes, babies are sometimes hard to come by, and they can be expensive, and yes it's scary to contemplate the possibility of a child with illnesses; but on the other hand, how can any of that compare with the feelings of contentment when looking into a sleeping baby's face?

I know a whole lot of women who wished they'd had more when they had the chance; I have never ever met a woman who said "I honestly wish I'd never had George."

Good luck on your decision!

Anonymous said...

Has anyone considered what kind of world you are bringing children into? I think that is a fair question to ask yourself. This planet can only hold a finite number of people. What will their future be like? Just looking at it from another angle...

Anonymous said...

Being 24. My fiance is 25 and it took us 2 years to get our daughter brooke, then now weve been trying for #2 for 2 years. June i fnd out m preggers, (i hate that word...)and 6 weeks in i lose the baby.

I was devastated.

My uterus is urning for another baby. Im about to lose hope.it will ever happen.

Anyway, i know how yu feel.. sort of. :)

Anonymous said...

There has always been bad in this world. Just need to raise your kiddos properly and hope u did your best! :)

Cant think the world is bad because then you may be putting your dreams on the back burner.

Amy @ Polka Dots and Stripes said...

I feel guilty saying I had easy pregnancies. I never had an idea of how many I wanted...I just wanted to be a Mom. I didn't have my first until I was 28. (boy.) My second at 32 (girl.) My husband at that point was working from home and wanted (desperately) to sleep through the night. He also saw about 5-6 families we know have children born with disabilities and one die at 2 days old (trisomy 18) and he said "We have a boy and a girl. They are healthy. We are done." I didn't have much of an objection at the time because I was too tired. But...now? At 42...I wish I would have pushed for one more. Family of 4 is good. And easy as they get older (everything is made for even numbers...rides, cars, etc.) I still wish I had a #3 heading off to preschool. I love being a Mom. It goes fast. Whatever you decide, enjoy!

April said...

I know I'm done because when I think about having another one, I negotiate what I want. Like I'll say I'd take another one if it came 3 years old and potty trained and was a boy. If I ain't ready to go all in for every possible outcome, I have no business wanting another one.

jen @ and two more makes FIVE said...

I completely feel your longing...because it's the same for me. My last pregnancy ended with us delivering (and burying) our too-small son because I had severe preeclampsia, lupus nephritis and placental insufficiency. And my high-risk OB has warned against future pregnancies, stating that they would likely end similarly, or worse.

But...my heart still years for that lost baby - both the baby boy we lost as well as the idea of one more child. And, as in most things of parenting, there's no "right" answer, even though everyone will share his or her opinion about what you should do (and they often sound like "Why would you do something idiotic like try for one more when you have two healthy children at home?").

seriouslysassymama.com said...

I have three sisters, and always wanted 4-5 kids. I just envisioned myself being this Mary Poppins mom. My husband only wanted two. After the second was born, I was 29, and though I am too young to have my tubes tied and call it done. A few years later I missed a couple of pills, and I was pregnant with three. No one in my family really wanted me to have another child. Everyone thought that two was enough. I had my last girls at 32, and had my tubes ties after she was born. I could have had another, but my husband was not game, and I think it would have in the end hurt our marriage. So I am 37, with three girls, and I without a doubt know I do not want any more children. I love where my girls are at. I love getting to be a mom at this stage in their lives. Babies are beautiful and fun, and I loved everything about being pregnant, but I really love where my girls and I are at now.

Amanda Jones said...

This is good to read...reminds me that no matter how many you have, that pull to have more keeps pulling. I have one and divorced before I could even work on #2. Really stinks that my son doesn't have a sibling like I was lucky enough to have and I get sad every once in a while that I don't have another. That said, if I spent all of my time angry that I was robbed of having another, I wouldn't appreciate the awesome little one I have. So, in the end, I am lucky and it's all good.

Amy Guthrie said...

I was blessed with fertility, and when I was done learned that my second was facing the hardest road we could have imagined. After a difficult third pregnancy, almost losing my second daughter and being lucky enough to come out with three (healthy) children, we are done. Frankly, I just knew I was done, the same way I knew I was not done with two. Everyone's circumstances are different, and I know how blessed I am.

Tabitha Falcone said...

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. We have two right now, and as we own a 2 bedroom house (and just killed the majority of our savings on a new roof for said house) having more kids right now is not an option. After our youngest (who is almost 1 now) was born I got the Implanon put in which is good until December 2015.

At that point I am unable to stay on hormonal birth control any longer due to my family history (thanks mom) so we will either have number three or the hubs will be getting snipped. I am ridiculously fertile (neither child was planned - the younger one is a pill baby) so using condoms and hoping for the best isn't an option.

Even though we don't have to decide for over two years... I think about it all the time. When the kids are good I just think about how badly I would love to have another one. I was raised in a big family and we are all very close-knit. But when they're bad... I don't even want the ones I have!

We'll probably flip a coin.

And then have another because I want a girl.

Yvonne Mihailoff said...

We started out wanting 5 and we now have 5. 3 girls followed up by 2 boys. I had relatively easy pregnancies and just 1 miscarriage. I knew I was done the minute our last one was born. He's 7 now and I still know it. :)

Jessica Sliman said...

I'd love to know if you discover the answer! We have two right now...almost four years old and two years old...and although we always said we'd have 3 kids, my husband has been dealing with a pretty serious back injury for the past few years. He says he's done. It really affected him to not be able to pick up his kids. Especially since outside of the injury, he's always been super fit and active. And although sometimes I feel super overwhelmed as a mom, I feel a tug on my heart strings too...like maybe, just maybe our family isn't complete.

(Then I remind myself that we have two girls and the chances of us having a third girl are like A MILLION percent...and three girls seems like it might yield a whole lotta drama up in here).

Anonymous said...

I was in your shoes 4 months ago. Two kids, high risk pregnancies, medical issues with the second (likely genetic, so increasing my risk of having another with medical issues), reaching the point of no return wrt age, and a husband who was dead set against having a third (and who didn't hesitate to remind me that we'd agreed to only have 2 when we got married ten years ago - like anyone can possibly know what they are going to want ten years later, sheesh). I was planning to agree to let hubby get snipped this fall, b/c even though my heart didn't feel done, I knew it was highly unlikely he was ever going to change his mind. I joked to a friend that I wish a doctor would just tell me I was too old/too high risk so that I could make peace with it and move on. Somehow I was that 1 in 1000 who managed to get pregnant with an IUD, so now we are expecting #3 in January. And NOW - I feel DONE. Done, done, done! Before pregnant with #3, I wondered the same, do you just never feel done? I feel done now, so I know I have hit my limit!

Anonymous said...

I know a lot of women who got pregnant on an IUD. If they are not put in correctly, and not checked every month (by you), they are no protection at all.

kidsmomofmany said...

I don't think we are supposed to worry about if we are done. My hubby was "done" after two and I respected that for 7 years. Then he agreed to a third. 2 and 3 are 8.5 years apart. Then we had 4, 5, 6, stillbirth, 7th, miscarriage, 9th and 10th. I will never feel done I guess. I love babies, raising kids,and I think that is pretty normal.

jillalison said...

I was only done b/c my Dr told me I was done. Had severe pre-eclampsia/toxemia and had an emergency c-section at 30 weeks due to fear of stroke/death. While we certainly would have had more, I had to just be happy I had one precious, perfect little boy.

Tina said...

It took 3 years to get pregnant with our first. (Thankfully we live in the modern ages or I most likely would not be here.)
Almost 3 more years before for the second one.
My husband thought since we had one of each that we were done. I questioned that a few times. I think in my heart I wanted another. Leave it to my husband to miscalculate the days of my cycle and voila! baby number 3...who is a joy and a blessing. It only took one time without protection to get pregnant with him after so many disappointments throughout our years of trying to conceive. We never would have expected it to work out the way it did. Needless to say, my husband is so glad he's a part of our family and I think it's neat how God made our third a little replica of his Daddy.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I wasn't certain I didn't want a third until my youngest was 5. Until then I kept making myself visualize how old I would be when child #3 graduated from high school. That reality check was pretty effective. Now that I'm 46 I will be getting this IUD replaced, since my bff just delivered a 47 yo patient's first (unplanned) baby.

Anonymous said...

Just came across your blog...love it! I wanted to add that I always wanted more but my husband didn't. We had two healthy kids, the older with a mild autism spectrum diagnosis, and he didn't want to tempt fate. At one point he said it was up to me...but I didn't want it to be up to me. What if something went horribly wrong? So, we stayed with the two. But, if I'm brutally honest, I will always regret not having that third. I feel like someone is missing.

Anonymous said...

We did not have any trouble conceiving, but I had always wanted to adopt. So after we had 2 boys we adopted our 3rd child, a daughter. I love our daughter and she adds much to our family...but 3 is much, much harder than two. (They are 15, 13 and 10 now, so I have been at this for a while.) A friend recently posted a great article and guess what, the most stressful number of children to have is 3! Not 6 not 4, but 3! The reasons were interesting, if you have 3 you are outnumbered, but still trying to treat each child like you are not...but by the time you have 4 you give up on certain things and make peace with all the things you can no longer do for all of them (choices that must be made because of the number of children). I think when making the choice you need to think not only about what you want and your husband wants, but what the impact will be on the children that you have now....

stephanie cudahy said...

I would love a household or maybe two or three or four kiddos, but my body had different ideas and we have one...My pride and joy is now 9:)

stephanie cudahy said...

I would love a household or maybe two or three or four kiddos, but my body had different ideas and we have one...My pride and joy is now 9:)

Katrina said...

Well, I have 10 kids because both me and my husband never have that "done" feeling! I think our "done detectors" are broken.

PNWGirl said...

I have three, they are now 23, 22 and 20..whew! They were close together and I am sure I was preggo for 5 years! (maybe longer, haha) I knew I wasn't done at two, but it took work for #3. Not the kind of work you had, but when it's easy the first two times-I think all he had to do was glance at me-it seemed like work to have to take temps and all that. Something I have learned about now, is it could have all been due to my MTHFR genes expressing themselves in infertility. It's a simple blood test, and treatable and could be part of the answer to why it's hard to get PG. Love and warm thoughts your way as you make this decision.

SamK said...

I yearn for another baby. I have never been a person who gets "clucky" over other people's babies, so that's not the issue. I have 3 who are 8, 7 and 5. I am tired of hubby saying that I should be happy with three. It's not the amount of children I have. I honestly feel like there is someone missing from our family. Like other commenters, I know that the biggest regret of my life will be that I didn't have a 4th child. I completely understand how Tanja (7th commenter) feels. I feel so resentful of my husband.

Anonymous said...

We had two, both girls, 25 months apart, and said we were done. Both born via c-section, and when the second one came along I - for whatever reason - said no when they asked if I wanted my tubes tied. Within the next 2.5 years I gave away and donated all my baby stuff. Then October last year...surprise. Found out we were pregnant again without even trying. Baby girl #3 was born this July. Two was a lot of work. Three is a LOT of work. And I am still on maternity leave, so the reality of working full time with 3 kids hasn't even really happened yet. I am not regretting my recent tubal ligation, but I don't think there will ever come a time when I don't have a small urge or longing for a newborn baby again. We're women, we were created to bear the future generations, it's instinct for us. I know in my heart, however, that I couldn't handle any more. I am done for sure, and so far 3 has been a good number for us.

tracey becker said...

Sigh. I'm done, because we're DONE, but oh, I feel the tug on my heart still, even nearly 8 years after my youngest was born. I don't think it will ever go away for me, to be honest. Kind of learning to live with it. I'm just known as the lady who may burst into tears while holding a newborn (like, ugly crying. It's pathetic.)

So, yeah. I understand, and I'm sorry.

Disco80 said...

One and done. Can't abide another child when we live in a city with no immediate family, no help, no nothing. Childcare is breathtakingly expensive here. You have your head in the clouds if you think it's all about what you want.

Amy D said...

Exactly this. We had 4, and I was okay with that number. When the youngest was 7, we got a surprise. We named her Charlee and I will never wish I didn't have her. When I'm 80, I will be surrounded by my kids and have little regrets. :-)

Anonymous said...

I am the mother of 3 boys, 11, 9, 7. I love their ages, and I love where we are in this stage of the game. With my youngest sister (I am one of 4 girls)pregnant with her first, I have heard the siren's baby song call to me. However, I realize that our household dynamics, routines, schedules, expectations, work, extracurricular activities, all of it, anything that seems normal now, would forever change, maybe for good, but also, maybe for bad. And having just turned 40, I also realize how much more tired I am, so sleep deprivation is not something I would be looking forward to. So while I hear the song, I will veer this ship away from the rocky shore.

Disco80 said...

"I feel so resentful of my husband."

I cannot begin to describe how infuriating a statement that is. You already have three children -- three children, presumably, cared for and provided for, at least in part, BY YOUR HUSBAND. Do his contributions to raising your children not count for something?

Are you really that deeply cynical and selfish?

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog today b/c someone posted another of your posts on FB. I struggle with this all of the time. I was nearly 42 when our first was born. It took 7 years for us to even become preg and I'm 7 years old than my hubs. I'm not good at being preg so, she was born 6 weeks early, but, suprisingly, vaginally not c-section. She's 100% perfect and I didn't know you could love anyone that much. After she was born I had other complications and then eventually a really serious illness. My poor hubs felt like he was a single parent for a couple of years and even now that I'm back on my feet it's sometimes hard to stay there.

But I feel like our family isn't complete and every day I want another and wish it were eaiser, that I was younger, that I was better at getting and being pregnant, etc. So, we're talking about adopting and I'm open to it. My only worry, tho it sounds horrible to say, is that now that we know how many little things your kids get from you that you would have never known you'd hand down - the way she checks between her toes for fluff from her socks, the way she laughed when she was little was just like her daddy's snort laugh when he was little, her idea that everything is a negotiation - is that missing when you adopt? Some I can logically understand is yes. Some is nuture I am sure. For now we're in a holding pattern, but our only is 5 and we're running out of time so either we'll decide or not decide and that will serve as our decision. I feel that tug every day nearly all of the time. Maybe it doesn't matter how you have 'em, just that you do. Let me know if you figure this one out b/c right now I'm stymied.

Good luck!

Becky said...

I always wanted a lot of kids, but after issues conceiving, then keeping pregnancies, diagnosis of endometriosis, and managing to have two beautiful daughters we felt really blessed. I wanted another so did my husband. We tried for a year, finally we got pregnant :) Last month I miscarried a little boy at 18 weeks. It was a terrible blow and one that made the decision to not try again for us. These two crazy wonderful kids we have need me and trying to have more puts their future with a healthy mom at risk. I can't take that from them. I hope you find your answer and that it isn't as hard to swallow as mine was.

Sarah Betzer said...

We were completely 100% absolutely done after our two daughters. And then, our son came along 22 months later. I would not give him up for the world, but my body, mind and heart were done after that. I spent almost a year and a half in therapy trying to deal with the idea of another child. There was no question on no more kids, just who would be the one to get "fixed"! I think if there is some part of you that is hesitant, then you should wait. A kid is permanent and forever; you should be sure.

Sarah Betzer said...

We were completely 100% absolutely done after our two daughters. And then, our son came along 22 months later. I would not give him up for the world, but my body, mind and heart were done after that. I spent almost a year and a half in therapy trying to deal with the idea of another child. There was no question on no more kids, just who would be the one to get "fixed"! I think if there is some part of you that is hesitant, then you should wait. A kid is permanent and forever; you should be sure.

Anonymous said...

The decision was made for us. We struggled and struggled to get pregnant with my daughter and then just when we were about to scrap clomid and move on, I got pregnant. Not too long later we had our beautiful baby girl. We again tried and tried for years and finally after more testing and 6 miscarriages we were told I could not have any additional children. In all honesty, they can't even believe I got to carry my daughter, who is now 11, to term. Not being able to have more kids was tough to accept but now I embrace the miracle I have and just try to live life to the fullest with her. I would have loved another baby but now that we are in this stage, I finally feel content.

Anonymous said...

I always said I'd be done with two. But somehow, after two girls, I still felt like we were forgetting someone. I'm not crazy, but I would literally load the car and think, "Oh! I forgot one." But, nope, the two were there.
So, I guess I always felt like I'd have a third. But then...I didn't...we tried for a long time, then had a miscarriage. My husband declared he was beyond done. We had a tough year where we were definitely not on the same page. Eventually, he came around, primarily because it was so important to me. We figured we'd never regret having a third, but we might someday regret that we didn't. So, back to trying...for a long time...and another miscarriage this June. I actually started to lose perspective. Did I want another one just because it seemed to be something that I couldn't have? Ugh, it's hard.
I was ready to call it a day. By that point, I had only a 50% success rate with pregnancy. Then, imagine my surprise when I managed to get pregnant in just one cycle. Maybe we'll finally have a third early next year. Or maybe we'll lose another one. One thing is certain, if I have another miscarriage, I know I'm done.
I've always thought that when you're done, you'll know it. And, honestly, I can't imagine that you'd ever regret having another. Good Luck!!
(Geez, is that the longest comment ever?)

Anonymous said...

I agree that the whole "you'll KNOW when you're done" isn't true for everyone. I thought I knew, and I still think I know that we are done. I'm 40 now, and our youngest is 20 months. My oldest, who is 4, has some special needs. Nothing huge, but enough that we have therapy appointments every week and I don't know exactly how his issues will affect his school career as he gets older. We may have to look at private school which would make having a third financially out of the question.
I HATED being pregnant and the post-partum period was no good either. But as I watch my littlest one grow up so quickly my heart aches a little bit when I know this is the last time we will have a baby in the house. But even as I write this, all the good reasons for NOT having another one come to mind so easily - and there just aren't many good reasons for actually doing it again. Just that I might like to... Heart vs. Brain. If I had to put money on it I'd say my Brain will likely win this one.

TheFunkyBoss said...

I had wanted four, my husband wanted three.
I had two uneventful pregnancies, but my second child was 4 weeks early and a challenge to parent. My first child was under two at the time and I was totally overwhelmed. I remember telling my husband, 'I'm sorry - I know we discussed 3 but I am done - this is too hard.'
As it turned out, child number 2 grew out of her challenges and two years after she was born I thought I would like to have a third after all.
Hubby was on board and child number three was the easiest baby ever (thank God!). I knew I was really done when he was out of diapers. I was exalted to be through that phase.
I think you know you're done when you see other mom's with little ones out and about and think: 'So sweet, but I am so glad I'm done with that'. I love to see babies, but would never never want to do it again.
I agree with previous posters, that there is no compromise with choosing to have a kid - both parents have to agree.

Anonymous said...

People say, "You'll know when you're done." That, my friend, is bullsh**! I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. I always knew I'd have a 3rd...My husband always knew we'd be done after 2. I held out and waited for him to change his mind. He never did. A few months ago I was late and thought I was pregnant. I hoped I was, and hoped I wasn't, and hoped I was again. The emotional confusion was overwhelming. I COULD NOT DECIDE IF I WANTED THAT 3rd BABY I ALWAYS KNEW I WANTED! It turned out I was not pregnant and I was disappointed, yet relieved. If I had been, I would have been excited and terrified. I decided I couldn't go through that again. I told my husband to make an appointment for that 'V' he had been 'begging' for, for the last 5 years. Now it's permanent, and I'm still not convinced I want to be done...My husband tells me I'd feel that way no matter how many children I had, because my children fill my heart with so much joy, there could never be too many. He might be right, and besides, after a few more I'd probably lose the last remaining ounce of my sanity anyway. Might as well quit while I'm ahead. ;)

Inquisitive said...

Do you have one yet?

Anonymous said...

I have had this internal struggle since my second child was born. I have 2 little lovelies and have debated about having a third... I come from a family of 3 girls, so why wouldn't I want a third? I didn't realize what a challenge it is to have 2 and adding another child to that mix is beyond what I think I can handle. I read your post about being super mom and I have known from the get-go, that I am not. I have never tried to be. I just tried to be the best mom I can be, and included in this is knowing that I cannot handle more than 2 children. My uterus sometimes skips a beat when my cousins bring over their new babies, or I meet a friends new little wonder... but beyond that, I think that I have reached my kid limit. And I'm okay with that.

sewjune said...

I don't know what your fertility issues are but I have PCOS and have always had a very irregular/almost non-existent cycle. Got pregnant with first on Clomid and second on Pergonal. Turned 40, thought we were done. Stressful year and started taking an antidepressant, Wellbutrin. Immediately made me regular (first time in 25 years!) and doctor told me that I had better start taking precautions just in case. Too late. Bonus baby was already on its way! When she arrived, everyone in the family, at separate times, came to me to say that they hadn't known she was missing until she got here and it just felt so right and so complete. I couldn't agree more. And the Wellbutrin? It has been documented after that time as having a beneficial effect for women with PCOS. Not a fertility drug and no side effects just evens out a women's cycle in some cases. Not many doctors know about this but you could ask yours.

lildeb said...

I had 2 daughters 15 months apart and was done. Tubes tied. 10 years later, the doc explained my "flu" as a "miracle" pregnancy. Lovely son 7 months later. The doc assured me that the chances of that happening again were "nil". 10 years later, at the age of 43 - yep. I spent 6 months wondering what the hell God was thinking. My husband just beat his chest while proclaiming, "I make child!" Another beautiful son. Now I am 58 years old, with a 17 yr old in the house as the others are grown and gone. No regrets...but it was a wild ride.

Patty said...

Thank you so much for this post. I am new to your blog and it happens that this topic is extremely timely for me/us. My husband and I are in the middle of a do-we-or-don't-we dialogue about whether to have a second child. We have one beautiful, perfect, charming, healthy son who is approaching two years old. It took a long time, lots of heartache, and much medical assistance to have our little boy... but he was worth every ounce of effort. Now that he's here we are so grateful for him every single day. We knew we wanted that first child so badly. I am open to the possibility of a second, but I don't feel nearly as strongly this time. It is proving to be a very tough decision for us. I sure as heck don't just "know" the answer! And of course, there's always the possibility that we try for a second, but it doesn't happen. I just hope that whichever route we choose (or that chooses us), we'll be at peace with it.

Beth Endicott said...

Ohhhh man, such a hard decision - such a long thought process. We have 2 at home - a 6.5-year-old daughter (that my husband actually adopted after the sperm-donor signed over his rights shortly after DH and I got married) and our 2-year-old son. My husband also has a 7.5-year-old son who comes over a day or so every other weekend - and who he pays child support for (which I am totally NOT against, it's just another thing in our equation of money and numbers, kwim?).
Honestly, I can see myself having just one more, kind of. My last pregnancy was hard. I had hyperemesis (I threw up for over 9 months...and was hospitalized twice because of it), my thyroid stopped working which caused my heart rate to sky rocket until we got that under control....it was just a lot - although not life-threatening as it seems what you had to experience. I couldn't imagine. You are one strong mama!

Anyway, having the two bigger kids (4.5 and 5.5 when our youngest was born) was a game changer. WOW. You totally forget things. I'm finishing up school now and will be finished this time next year - so our youngest would be 3 before we even thought about trying. Do we want to do that again? Kind of. Maybe not. My new career allows me to work from home and have a flexible schedule so I wouldn't have to worry about leaving a newborn to go back to work (I COULD NOT do that again....I stopped working when our youngest was 3 months old because it just ripped me to pieces). So, I'm no help. I have no idea. I want another squishy, sweet, cuddly, tiny baby - sometimes. But I love having a potty trained 2-year-old and the others in school. Who knows. I guess it will depend on when I decide to have my IUD removed and how things go from there :)
Good Luck and God bless. Who knows, you may get a "surprise" baby like many of my friends have received years after using fertility drugs to try and conceive ;)

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