Michelle’s Rules for Not Looking Like a Jerk on Facebook

27 September 2010
  1. When you write status updates in another language I want to unfriend you.  Oh, I don’t mean Finnish, French, or Austrian, those I get a kick out of, I mean what used to be something near English.  “ZOMG, i PaRteeeeeeeeeeeD toooooooooooooooOOOOo hArD tHiS weeeKenddddddd.  beeeEEEEEeeeeeer BoNgS aRe soooooooo kEwEL.”  It hurts my brain people.  HURTS my brain!
  2. Don’t be passive aggressive.  If you have an issue with someone, email that person directly, hide them, or unfriend them.  Don’t write things like, “Swearing in posts is so unattractive.”  You know, because passive aggressive posts that make you sound like an uppity fussbudget bitch are so much more attractive.  “Some people are so rude,” or “I wish my friends didn’t suck.”  Um.  That isn’t going to gain you friends that don’t suck.  It’s going to gain you friends that are pissed.
  3. If you post questionable material to your significant other, something along the lines of “I want to handle your man meat,” or anything else in the same realm, please know that anyone the two of you are friends with will read it.  While I am absolutely thrilled you “want to hump him like a sailor on leave,” his grandma probably didn’t need to know that.  Or his mom.  Or his aunt.  Or his boss.  It is even worse {and truthfully, really weird} if you actually understand how this works and you still post it.
  4. If you are over the age of 25, and this is being generous, you should not use the word chillax.  Even more so if you use it several times a week.  Do you work at all?  I’m guessing by the sheer amount of chillaxing you’re doing, that answer is no. 
  5. If you are going to post ignorant, racist, sexist, anti-gay, or anything that is blatantly mean, I am going to unfriend you right after posting you’re a big jerk on your wall.  As my friend Jackie beautifully illustrated, it is a social network not a platform for your views on politics, religion, sex or money.  Be nice.  People are different.  Don’t spread hate.
  6. Don’t write horrible things about someone you’re friends with or dating.  Not only is it horribly rude, but everyone that reads your drama every other week will think you are an idiot for getting back together or staying friends with her after you aired her dirty laundry again and again and yet again.
  7. If you post, “OMG I have the biggest secret!”  All of your friends will know you are either pregnant,  getting married, won the lotto, are moving, or got a new job.  We will also know you are an assclown.  Until you’re ready to announce your happy news, keep it to yourself.
  8. If you are fifteen, please do not post anything about blow, weed, or hard ons.  Your sister will cringe and want to unfriend you even though she loves you very much and wants you and your cronies to be good upstanding young men.  This applies to you too Troy & Nolan.
  9. Don’t be Midge.  Incidentally, that was a great big INTERVENTION fail on our part.  She is now up to more likes than I can count.  Here are some of my recent faves… "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!! IT'S SO FLUFFAAAAAY!!", "I didn't do it"-"Then why are you laughing?"-"Cause, whoever did it is a freaking genius", "I kissed Bella....and she broke her hand....punching my face...", “How many times do i have to say "excuse me" before "get the fuck out of my way" becomes acceptable?”  She is also a fan of So Wonderful, So Marvelous on Facebook so I can’t be too mad.  {Pssst…. you should ‘like’ it too, when I get to 200 we’re going to do a giveaway!}

So, um, did I forget anything?

21 comments:

Misc Momma said...

I absolutely hate when people's statuses hint at something, but they don't tell you what it is. This is along the lines of #7, I guess. It makes me want to commit a #2. Also when people post all "woe is me" and are begging for attention.

Michelle said...

YES! The woe is me-ers too!

Jennifer said...

I wish my MIL would stop sending messages to people via her status. Actually, old people should not use "the facebook." Her name for it. She can't figure it out and looks like an idiot.

Bunny @ 86n It said...

Don't post song lyrics or quotes everyday. That annoys me to no end.

Mommy Lisa said...

Bwah-ha ha - my friend who is over 40 posts about every time she is out there that she is going to "chillax" and I think its creepy...

Huh, I don't mind the quotes and song lyrics.

Jessica @ Acting Adult said...

It bugs me when people send out a mass message and then someone replys all, rather than just replying to the sender. It's annoying.

~*Jess*~ said...

And don't forget to stop posting the whore pictures or the pictures where you're vomiting on the sidewalk after a long night of drinking. Pathetic.

I also hate cryptic posts that are probably meant to be a joke between friends. Or something that is meant to be deep like, Birds are high and majestic as we should be, or something just as stupid.

lo said...

I think it should be everyone's personal rule of thumb that if you can't take the time to craft a sentence that makes sense or to actually type out whole words, then that status is probably not worth posting.

I also don't want to hear to- do lists so I can't deal with the constant "Laundry, eating lunch, watching some TV and then probably painting my toes!" updates. Would you like to tell me how many squares of toliet paper you're going to use also??

(And I don't mean fun ones like "Going to the zoo!" because that's nice and I'll ask you to take a picture of the zebras for me.)

Ashlee's Annals said...

Would I be breaking rule #2 if I posted a link to this blog on my facebook status? I'm tempted!

Meg said...

ooh ooh me me!!!

1. Couples that have frequent conversations on Facebook. "I love you babe!" "You are the best. How am I so lucky?" Birthdays and holidays are OK, but otherwise, aren't they sitting right next to you? Shouldn't you actually talk to them instead of posting on their wall?! Or if they're out of town, send a private e-mail.

You're not fooling anybody. We know you're just trying to show off and prove that you have a good relationship. And all of the PDA is just blech.

2. Self promotions. Business is one thing, but if you're posting links to your Etsy page on a constant basis or patting yourself on the back, then I kind of hate you. We know. You're great and you want me to buy your stuff. You are allowed to post the link once. If I like it, I'll visit it some time.

3. Mundane details. "James is hungry." "Lisa is grocery shopping." Oh my lord, shoot me in the face!! I do not care!

Oh, and word to the passive aggressive types. Double word to the 'woe-is-me'ers.

Big Fat Gini said...

OH! Meg has my biggest FB annoyance ever on her list! I'm "friends" with an ex-boyfriend and his wife (I know, I know) and they are constantly like that. Gag.

But my #2 pet-peeve is people who post pictures that are just totally inappropriate for 99.9% of the population. Like, when you have a home birth and immediately upload the photos to FB. Or, when you take your child to the dentist and post a photo of him with a gas mask on his face that makes him look like Hannibal Lecter. Or, when your child with Albinism falls asleep in the tub and you post a photo of him, which makes him look like he's dead and you decide you'd rather go gouge your eyeballs out with an ice pick than like that those pictures ever again. Ever.

I mean, not that I know people who did that or anything...

Missy said...

I hate those Farmville and other game posts and requests. I also hate when people post their daily food intake... I am anti FB!

Tracy said...

If I unfriend these types of people I won't have many friends on there left, LOL.
Maybe I should add you guys :)

michele said...

omg. your list is spot on, i totally know people that do ALL of this crap. well, except for the under 15 crowd, i'm only friends with a couple minors and they are upstanding young citizens :) and.....i'm embarrassed to admit to using the the word "chillax" LOL (but only once or twice :)

Ashley said...

I agree. That is all.

mommara said...

I am cracking up and completely agree with all of these!

Chelsea said...

bhahah I think I just peed a little reading that. Damn I am 27 its been two whole years since I could say Chillax.
<3 you lol

Debbie said...

I'd add that people who spend over 5 hours a day on sorority life or farmville or whatever else really need to come clean my house. Or at least quit posting about those things.

Two Normal Moms said...

These are so good! Assclown? Love that word! And I just saw someone do exactly that! Posted that they had a secret they couldn't tell. WTH? Really? Are you 5? WHO does that? (Well, obviously she does.)

Ally

Emily said...

This might be the best list of all time. Also? Chillax goes for twitter too. Can we just erase that from our vernacular?

Your Midge post made me LOL (literally...not "lol" as the kids like to say). I have a friend that also "likes" everything known to mankind.

Holly Lefevre said...

I agree...and no one should say chillax!

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