I was thinking today about how happy I am for the successes of my friends and family. New jobs, new houses, new cars, marriages, even babies. Though with that last one there is usually a twinge or two of the ‘waiting for my turn’ thing. There have been several really wonderful things have happened lately and I am filled with excitement because these people, they deserve it. My friend Steph just got pretty close to her dream job. Danielle just bought a gorgeous new house, so did my friend Amy. My friend Holly just finished her book. Our friend who spent time in Afghanistan & has been concentrating on her military career, is having her first baby. Her husband is opening his own business doing what he loves. My friend Amy is in love. My friend Stephanie has a really great thing she’s making a decision about that I’ve been sworn to secrecy and can’t share. And there are many more that I’m not mentioning.
They work their asses off, they make sometimes difficult decisions to get there, and they are really amazing people. Even the ones who make everything look effortless, I see behind the mirror at how hard they are working to live that ‘effortless’ life.
I think though that my happiness for them comes from a place of being happy myself. When you love your life, even on the shitty tough days… and believe you me, there are those days, it’s hard to respond to things in a jealous, angry, bitter, or resentful way.
Does it suck being on this infertility journey? You bet your ass. Am I going to be an asshole to my friend Jordan who just had the cutest little baby ever? Or Bunny or Lori for having happy sweet little girls in the cutest dresses that you ever could imagine? Should I sit around and just bitch about them to make myself feel better? Stupid Jordan, Lori and Bunny and their stupid cute babies. None of them kicked me in the taco to cause the infertility, so why the heck would I be anything less than thrilled for their happiness?
My friend just bought her daughter a brand new white BMW for her sixteenth birthday. The huge bow, the ribbon, the surprise, it is the stuff teenage dreams are made of, this gift. Hell, it’s the stuff thirty-four year old dreams are made of, think they’ll adopt me? Was it wildly generous and crazy? Hell yes, but what an amazing thing to be able to do for your daughter. People in her life see that gift she gave, call her stuck up, or spoiled or any number of other things that come from jealousy. They must forget that there was once a time that she was scraping pennies to pay her rent as a single mom, but I was right there with her then too. Her happiness, watching her LOVE every bit of her life, and buy her daughter a BMW ? It makes me happy.
Some of the motivation behind this post is coming from the success of this space. I am, by no means a blogging superstar. Not even close. And yet, there are people who are unnaturally angry, unsupportive, bitter, or confused that I’ve had all of you awesome sauce peeps reading daily. I don’t get it. These are people in my life in some way, not strangers. You’re pissed because I like to ‘Martha’ shit up and talk about it to other people who enjoy reading it? You’re pissed because I get paid to do something I love?
You are kidding me right?
You have to be pretty miserable to be in that place. Hell, I don’t even feel that way about former friends or my ex boyfriends. I want them to be happy too. Even the ones who were assholes to me for no reason, when they’re happy they’re less likely to be assholes.
Lest you mistake me for an angel, I wasn’t always this person. Why would he ask her to prom? She must be puking up lunch to fit into that pair of jeans. Twenty bucks says she’s going to dump him after he pays for that new car. She must be sleeping with someone if she got promoted. His daddy must have made the down payment on that condo. And on and on.
And then, it’s amazing… I grew up.
I married the love of my life who doesn’t sit on his ass, get this… he helps a lot around the house and actively parents our child. I have a great kid who is generally well behaved, maddening sometimes, but whom I love more than I ever thought possible. My friends are there for me any time day or night and send me sweet cards and hold my hand through the tough parts because they know I’d do the same in return. I am doing a job that never thought I would do, staying home with Finn, but I love it. The blogging and writing, it is a bonus. It sounds stupid, it sounds trite, but my life? It’s charmed. I know this.
I am grateful for this life every single minute I’m living it. That’s right, grateful.
Along with the charmed, there are shitty days, budget constraints, and fights with my husband. I just try not to wallow for too long in the misery shit. The misery and unhappiness will suffocate you if you let it. I don’t get off on the drama. I walk away from things that are just not working, as difficult as those decisions might be to make. I want peace and happiness around me, I want to be there for my friends when they need me, I want to enjoy my husband and our life together. And mostly, I want to oogle your cute new baby, I want to oooh and ahhh over the pictures of your new house, I want to dance at your wedding, and I want YOU to be happy. Yes, even you.
Because I am.