Finn is my dude. He is the coolest kid ever mixed with a healthy dose of old soul. My favorite time of day is just after he wakes up from his nap, he shares his half awake silly thoughts with me, things that make him laugh, things that make me think I’m doing a pretty good job.
For almost four years he has been mine. I know everything there is to know about him and yet, he surprises and challenges me daily. I have comforted scraped knees, I hear his secret fear and watch him conquer new obstacles, I know the curve of his belly, the smell of his hair… much more a boy now than a baby. I laugh at the funny things he says. I love that he is his own person. He wants to do things on his own and so I let him even though a part of me aches for him to remain my little dude that needs his Mama.
Everything, everything about him is perfection to me, even days when I want to scream. Watching him become a little person has been one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed.
I have a secret nagging worry though.
I don’t know how I will ever love another as much as I love him. It doesn’t seem possible.
Is that awful to say out loud?
Up until the morning we met each other, I wasn’t sure how I would love him either, or what kind of mother I’d be. I loved that pregnancy, but you know, pregnancy isn’t motherhood. Motherhood is a whole different animal. I was worried I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy. What will we have in common? I wondered what if we just didn’t like each other. It was painful that he missed his due date and would be a Taurus. Boy clothes aren’t as cute as all. the. OMG. CUTE. stuff. for. girls. And other stupid shit like that.
I loved feeling his little baby movements, I talked to him daily, I was excited, but I didn’t feel connected to him as a little person like I thought I should.
And then he arrived, at forty-one weeks via c-section, all ten pounds and twelve ounces, and I heard his little cry. I was laying there and still hadn’t seen his face but, my heart expanded to the size of the universe and it was all, every little bit of it, filled with love for him. It’s all very cliché, but I fell in love instantaneously. The tears started flowing and I knew he was mine forever. The connection I had been hoping for… it was made before I even had a glimpse of his little face. When I did see his face, Dave brought him over to me and I couldn’t believe we had created something so beautiful.
So amazingly beautiful.
I’m hoping it is the same with his sister because I am feeling those baby movements, I am talking to her everyday, and I am excited to meet her. I want to know there is enough love in my heart for two. I want to know that we’ll get along. I want to know that we will like each other. I want to know that my heart is going to explode again and feel bigger than I every thought possible. I want to stare into her little face and see that Dave and I make beautiful sweet girls as well.
For moms of more than one, tell me what your experience has been with the arrival of baby number two.