Loving Another.

15 March 2011

Finn is my dude.  He is the coolest kid ever mixed with a healthy dose of old soul.  My favorite time of day is just after he wakes up from his nap, he shares his half awake silly thoughts with me, things that make him laugh, things that make me think I’m doing a pretty good job. 

For almost four years he has been mine.  I know everything there is to know about him and yet, he surprises and challenges me daily.  I have comforted scraped knees, I hear his secret fear and watch him conquer new obstacles, I know the curve of his belly, the smell of his hair… much more a boy now than a baby.  I laugh at the funny things he says.  I love that he is his own person.  He wants to do things on his own and so I let him even though a part of me aches for him to remain my little dude that needs his Mama. 

Everything, everything about him is perfection to me, even days when I want to scream.  Watching him become a little person has been one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed.

I have a secret nagging worry though. 

I don’t know how I will ever love another as much as I love him.  It doesn’t seem possible.

Is that awful to say out loud? 

Up until the morning we met each other, I wasn’t sure how I would love him either, or what kind of mother I’d be.  I loved that pregnancy, but you know, pregnancy isn’t motherhood.  Motherhood is a whole different animal.  I was worried I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy.  What will we have in common?  I wondered what if we just didn’t like each other.  It was painful that he missed his due date and would be a Taurus.  Boy clothes aren’t as cute as all.  the.  OMG.  CUTE.  stuff.  for.  girls.  And other stupid shit like that. 

I loved feeling his little baby movements, I talked to him daily, I was excited, but I didn’t feel connected to him as a little person like I thought I should. 

And then he arrived, at forty-one weeks via c-section, all ten pounds and twelve ounces, and I heard his little cry.   I was laying there and still hadn’t seen his face but, my heart expanded to the size of the universe and it was all, every little bit of it, filled with love for him.  It’s all very cliché, but I fell in love instantaneously.  The tears started flowing and I knew he was mine forever.  The connection I had been hoping for… it was made before I even had a glimpse of his little face.  When I did see his face, Dave brought him over to me and I couldn’t believe we had created something so beautiful.

So amazingly beautiful.

I’m hoping it is the same with his sister because I am feeling those baby movements, I am talking to her everyday, and I am excited to meet her.  I want to know there is enough love in my heart for two.  I want to know that we’ll get along.  I want to know that we will like each other.  I want to know that my heart is going to explode again and feel bigger than I every thought possible.  I want to stare into her little face and see that Dave and I make beautiful sweet girls as well.

For moms of more than one, tell me what your experience has been with the arrival of baby number two.

17 comments:

Megan said...

Oh, wow...I know how you feel. In fact, its like you pulled those words directly out of my mouth. My son was even born a week late!
I will tell you this: when I first found out I was pregnant with my second (a girl) I was terrified for months. Yeah, girls get cuter clothes, but they're more complicated. More dramatic. Scarier. Boys like them. I'm still scared we won't have the wonderful relationship I have with my mother. But, as I sit here, a week away from my due date I find myself anticipating that instant love, knowing that it will be there so quickly, maybe even more strongly because I know what to expect this time. I know that in time her sense of humor will come through - she won't be a blob, but a tiny person, full of hopes, dreams and funny thoughts. I am anxious to meet her. The doubts I had about whether or not we did the right thing by having a second child are gone, 100%. Aaaaand now I'm crying. Good God, its not even 7 a.m. yet.

deborah said...

my boys are almost 6 years apart. as much as we wanted this second baby, i feared i couldn't love his sibling as much and as fully as i loved our first-born. you know what? your heart has no limits. none. it will surprise you in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. i will warn you, the moment your first falls in love with your second.....your heart may fill your entire being. you may feel like you just cannot take it. add in some post-partum hormones.....it's the happiest of cry-fests. seriously, i'm not even kidding. you will be alright. your family is in process of making more room for love....and that's always a good thing. :)

Alexis said...

My two are only 14 months (well actually 13 1/2 months but I tell everyone 14) so I was still trying to enjoy Carolyn being a baby when I was pregnant with Jack. I had no idea what to expect because I was still trying to figure out what I was doing with the first one! Then Jack arrived...it sounds so cheesy but as soon as I saw him I knew it was going to be ok and he was going to fit right in with us. My kids couldn't be more different personality-wise but that is what makes them so special. and it has taught me a lot :)
Your little girl is going to be fabulous!

Jennifer Jackson said...

I had two girls after my son and your heart expands with each one. They are all three different and unique and yet somewhat similar since they share parents and blood. When my first daughter was born I watched my husband fall in love with her immediately and I think I loved him more after that. My youngest we did not know if she was a girl or a boy so that was the fun with her and knowing once she was a girl, that she was the perfect thing for us. Girls clothes are fun to buy and prepare yourself for teen boys...they eat everything!!!

Alissa said...

Oh, trust me, you won't believe how awesome it will be! You will love your baby just as much, and even more you will love what your family becomes and you won't be able to imagine life without her. Having five kids, some of my most special moments were when my older kids met their new sibling, no words to describe that!

Stacey said...

I feel the same way M about my little one on the way & Gavin. But I'm sure we have MORE than enough love in our hearts for 2 kids : ) xo

soveryvicki said...

Oh, sweetie! No worries! Your heart grows with each new life you bring into the world! (I worried, too, and my mother-in-law told me this. I didn't believe her, but you know what? She was right!!)

Stacy Kaye said...

Oh my word, I cannot WAIT for you to meet your sweet little girl. I had the same worries. My love for my little guy is MASSIVE and I still often get tears in my eyes when I go in to check on him at night before bed...2 1/2 years later! I guess I probably always will. Sometimes I look at him and cannot believe I can have this much love for someone so little. My love for him wasn't this immediate explosion like you had. Because of our losses prior to having him I was nervous, and because the labour took so long and I didn't get to see him right away due to cord around his neck when I finally did it was surreal and I was like, is this really him? He is mine? But man, it didn't take long for that explosion to arrive. Once the surreal quality wore off I was head over heels for him and I have never looked back.

With Jack, it was different. He was placed right onto my chest and bam! Right then I think I grew another heart. This kid is firmly wedged in there too, he isn't going anywhere. I am crazy for him. CRAZY! I can look at his little smiling face all day long. I can hold his sweet little body next to mine all day. I just can't get enough of him.

I already get weepy that he is almost 2 months old and wonder WHERE the 2 months went. I can't believe how quickly things are going and I want to slow down time because my heart wants to enjoy every single moment...it could be my last with a baby! I just adore him.

My heart, these days, often feels like it is going to explode right out of my chest. It actually hurts because there is SO. MUCH. LOVE. I look at Kevin, and Caden, and Jack and think why? Why am I so blessed? Why am I surrounded by this crazy love? All I can do is just soak it in and smile. I smile so much. Every day.

LOVE!!! You will LOVE LOVE LOVE her...and you will love Finn even more as you see him in the role of big brother! Man, Caden is just the best big brother and it kills me when he wraps his little arms around Jack and says, "I just love him SOOOO much!" Be still my heart. Even now I'm just about to cry even thinking of it.

Can't wait. I cannot WAIT to see your little girl and to see your heart explode as well! It's going to, no doubt.

Noelle said...

Your heart will grow, trust me! Remember how you loved Dave when he was JUST your husband, and how much that changed when he became the father of your child? When I watch my kiddos interacting and actually think about our intertwined relationships and how we've all become who we are with each new addition it's amazing. You'll be a great mama to a little girl Michelle, I'm so excited to see you in action!

Morgan @ PepperDesignBlog.com said...

I know how you feel! As a new mom witnessing your own little one grow and develop is incredible. And it's the most amazing feeling knowing that they are yours :).

Debbie said...

I worried too. But it was all immediately for nothing as soon as I had that new baby in my hands!

Missy said...

Love is an amazing thing! You will be surprised with the love for your daughter and how the love of your son grows also. The heart is an amazing thing. It is normal to have these feelings. I have had them several times...

Emily said...

I think you probably already know the gist of my answer, but...I never had an issue with this because I never felt the overwhelming mom love for either of my kids. Having two has been a lot like having one, just more stressful, more expensive, and more time-consuming.

Meghan said...

Aww! I don't have children myself (hopefully soon!) but I do love reading about the special bonds between mom and child:)

Jennifer said...

I worried my during my entire second pregnancy. I had this beautiful little Emily. I was her whole world and I worried about how this new little person was going to affect our relationship. I remember lying on the floor with her, coloring pictures of our family and being sad that I had to add another person...another baby...because our little threesome was perfection. Even when he was born...I loved him immediately but I was terrified of being a mom to two children. How could this work? How could I love them both? I'll never forget sitting on the hospital bed cradling a newborn babe and my toddler and crying my eyes out. I didn't think I could do it. But my heart grew...its a miracle somehow. Seven children later, it's still growing.

Two Normal Moms said...

Wait, I'm still stuck on ten pounds twelve ounces. Thank goodness for c-sections! LOL I'm kidding. Sort of. When you have a seven pound nine ounce baby, those other weights I hear about are amazing!

But seriously, I'm confident your "heart expanded to the size of the universe" once again when this little one comes. And even better, nothing will break that bond between you and Finn. I love how you describe him. I had many similar emotions with my son's birth, including falling head over heals in love the moment he was born, despite not getting the chance to see him right away - hearing him was enough. And I marveled that we had made something so perfectly beautiful.

~*Jess*~ said...

You totally read my mind with this post. And I honestly felt that way with Ava too. I think that's why it took me so long to even decide that I wanted or could handle another one (besides the fact that I had such an easy baby I'm terrified what #2 will bring).

Anyway, awesome. You rock.

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