How Do You Argue?

18 April 2013


One of the most interesting things about marriage, well any relationship really, is how people handle disagreement.  I think it’s one of the most important things in a marriage to be able to resolve conflict.  It is also one of the toughest.

I am a yeller. A blow up fast, and over it just as fast kind of girl.  For someone that is a calm discusser or an avoider, I’m sure it would not be fun to have an argument with me.

Are you a bottle it up and hold it in kind of girl?  Do you stew about it?  Or think about it before you speak?  Do you hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs?  Are you a grudge holder?  Do you pretend something has magically gone away, swept right under the rug?  Are you passive aggressive?  Do you take a deep breath?  Do you run away?  Or walk away until you are calm?

That Dave of mine is a stew about it kind of guy.  He’s pretty good about not stewing for long. In our house, it is easier for us to deal with things quickly and get over them.  Not only for me because I hate to hold it in, but for Dave because sometimes simple misunderstandings have time to escalate. 

We’re not a couple that likes to sit calmly and exchange lists of what is bugging us.  Our neighbors probably wish that we were sometimes.  I always find it so interesting when people can walk away and come back to an argument a few hours later.  HOW do you manage to do that?

Do you apologize?

We apologize to each other.  If you are someone that knows me well, you will understand just how incredibly difficult this is for me.  I don’t like to be wrong.  Ever.  But sometimes I am, and when I am, I admit it.  Apologizing is something I had to learn.  It is still a struggle, don’t get me wrong.  It’s something that Dave does and makes me feel incredibly loved.  It is amazing to me how I can be softened by a simple, “I am so sorry I took my bad day out on you.  I love you.” 

Tell me about your relationship.  What kind of arguer are you?  Are your arguing styles compatible?


Mary Kate said...

Oh, this post cracked me up! I am a yeller. I hate that I'm a yeller and I try so, so hard not to be - but it's the facts right now. Chris is a "well, I'm not going to yell back, but I'll just sit here and be pissed as hell" kind of guy.

Needless to say, we're always trying to figure out how to resolve arguments!

Just A Normal Mom said...

Honestly, we don't really argue much. Oh certainly, we disagree - we are humans with our own minds. But I'm a blow up yeller, then I immediately calm down and try to rationalize the hell out of it. Somehow my dear husband manages not to roll his eyes or laugh at me. :) He's a hold it in forever kinda of guy. I'm pretty sure it's from growing up with his sister. He learned there is no point to an argument with her, as she'll never see someone else's point. Not too healthy for him to hold it in, though if I'm calm enough, I can sometimes get him to discuss it - I have to be really aware, though.

AfGolden said...

Oh had to ask this didn't you? LOL! I am the "hold it in until I can't take it anymore and then I blow up" type of girl and LG just looks at me......and it makes me angrier!!

He is a "I'm not yelling and I'm not arguing..I'll sit over here and drive you crazy with my silence" type!! GRRRR! It's frustrating but I do have to say that recently we have done better. :D

Jessica @ Wanting Adventure said...

I think learning to fight is the hardest thing about a relationship. Six years in, I'm not sure we've figured it out yet.

I have been told that I'm passive aggressive. I don't quite understand how what I do can be seen like that, but maybe that's the point!

Anonymous said...

We both are yellers. I am an extremely passionate person and everything sits on the surface ready to blow. I have to say having three kids has lessened my blow ups.

Anonymous said...

This totally made me think about my arguing persona, and I never have before!

I'm one of those "hold it in until I'm furious" types but then I don't yell I just want to talk about it. FOREVER. It drives my husband nuts!

He's a face rubbing exasperated arguer, one that just doesn't understand how things got out of hand so fast.

Surprisingly this post has made me change the way I handle things and yesterday when I was annoyed by something I just came right out and said it. Worked like a charm! Thanks!

Emily said...

I'm a stewer. I stew for a while, then I calmly lay out my points. Then I end up stewing some more.

Sara @ Russet Street Reno said...

I yell and say things that I am internally horrified to hear myself saying, but unable to stop it. I hate that about myself.

Jessica Sliman said...

I am a stewer. And I'm a bit passive aggressive sometimes too (that's the WORST, right?). We do apologize and tend to get over things very quickly. The benefit of my stewing is that sometimes I get over whatever is frustrating me before my husband ever gets home from work. Lucky him ;)

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