But, I Don’t Speak Portuguese.

26 May 2011

In my quest to cram all kinds of stuff into these last four {and a half, but who is counting} weeks before baby girl’s arrival, I’ve been making appointments left and right.  I am totally loyal to my people too… they’re just unfortunately all at different salons all over the city.  If you’re local and want suggestions, shoot me an email.  Back to the appointments.

One to my massage therapist for a long overdue pre-natal massage. 

One to my hair girl for a cut and color.  Incidentally, I’m taking suggestions for color, help a girl out.  I’m thinking red and blonde highlights?  I’m totally intrigued by ombre too, but if it’s done wrong it just looks like hell.

A pedicure appointment.  Pink, of course!

I just had my brows waxed and I’ll have them done again just before.  T is a waxing goddess, she is quite simply spectacular and I love her.  We were discussing what happens if I go into labor early.  I told her I’d be making a frantic phone call to the salon to see if she could fit me in and she assured me she would make it happen.  She’s awesome like that.

Then she relayed a story about having a client who came in for a wax while having contractions and she was afraid the whole time her water was going to break.  A wax.  A Brazilian. 

If anything is going to send you over the edge and into active labor, having every piece of hair ripped off your labia is going to do it.

T assured me that it’s not that bad and that I should think about it, which I did for about 3.4 seconds before cringing and deciding it is decidedly not for me.  She said, oh your hair isn’t course so it wouldn’t even hurt.  Dude.  It’s one thing to get your legs waxed or your eyebrows, it’s another to get on all fours, stick your legs over your head, and have every crevice waxed.  Never mind the fact that when you’re naked from the waist down and eight months pregnant things are not pretty.  You obviously can’t be drunk for it and ibuprofen is out, so I’m sure is vicoden which is the only good alternative I can come up with for that kind of pain. 

I can see her getting one strip off, me yelling “holyMotherofGodthatHurtlikeaBitch,” followed by me getting up and running from the table screaming.  I am pretty sure I’d be that dramatic with searing pain to my genitals.

And then I would need to find a new eyebrow goddess and we can’t be having that.  

A Brazilian?  No thank you, I don’t speak Portuguese. 

Spill it ladies.  Who’s had one?  Did you love it or hate it?  Are you just as afraid of having one as I am?


Amanda said...

I have never had a full Brazilian and don't believe that I ever will.

deborah said...

look, i have sat up in the dental chair after the *hygentist* has only cleaned one side of my mouth and refused to open said mouth again until she left the room. that's all i'm saying. and i don't need to try to fake my coo-coo-ca-choo into thinking it's 8 years old. (now, that's all i'm gonna say) ;)

Amy Dean Stuempges said...

I have not had a Brazilian...back to the highlights, you don't want me to give you blonde highlights again like in high school? ;)

Jessica @ Wanting Adventure said...

I adore my brazilian wax. Used to get them all the time. Then husband started law school and all our cash dried up just like that. But when he's done and we're back to a two income household? I'm so going back on a regular basis. It hurts but not THAT badly. It's also great to be clean like that all the time.

Unknown said...

Oh, my god. I haven't laughed so hard in a while! Brazilians aren't nearly as bad as people think they are, but I wouldn't get one while pregnant either. (What would your ob think if you suddenly showed up bald? For real.)
As far as the highlights - go for the red! I'm getting red done next month and can't wait for it. I heart red. Seriously.

Just A Normal Mom said...

Yeah, I'm totally thinking of the OB/GYN, too, as they see the ever-changing landscaping. Too funny. Um, no, not while pregnant. As for when I'm not pregnant? I get an "extended" bikini wax and that is plenty (uncomfortable) for me. Loved Deborah's comment about faking her coo-coo-ca-choo into thinking it's 8 years old. LOL. I'm not sure how I feel about having a "young looking" nether region, but I know how I feel about having some chick in a salon all into my business to get those hairs out of there. No thanks. Now a little trimming goes a long way, however... :) (TOTAL TMI)

Unknown said...

no way! I can understand if your VERY hairy or have very dark hair...but if you have neither of those i don't think its necessary. I do a fine job by myself! lol and just because its another girl doing it, doesn't mean its right! haha Gross if you ask me. I feel bad for the person that has to do it rather than the person getting it done!

Sara said...

Personally, I have never had a Brazilian and probably never will. It's the potential for searing, follicle-ripping pain that keeps me away and not some stranger getting up close and personal with my lady bits. That part I got over when my first delivery turned into a three ring circus with residents, med students and nurses all watching my episiotomy.

MommyLisa said...

TERRIFIED. Not a chance in hell I would ever do it.

Stacy Kaye said...

I LOVE the Brazilian. Used to get them regularly prekids and being too busy to fit in the appointments. It was painful, yes, but the pain decreased the more I got them. Got a regular bikini wax when pregnant with Caden because we went on a cruise. It wasn't bad either. They sound worse than they are! Wish I could fit in regular appointments again. Someday!

Shannon said...

I got one a few years ago, I started to whimper as she started the process and she told me very harshly to act like a woman and in a few seconds it was all over. It was painful, but she was quick and efficient and I didn't cry (but I did wince and it took my breath away). I had tried doing an at home bikini wax a few years before that and got as far as slathering the wax all over but then I didn't want to pull off the strips. That was worse.

Jill said...

I used to get them regularly and to be honest, they are not that bad. I always leave a little "strip", LOL. I don't do it anymore because I'm a stay at home mom now and spending $60-$70 to get my crotch hair ripped off just isn't in the budget. I do however get it done during the summer months because I hate shaving my bikini area, I always break out in a rash and that is so not attractive when I'm in a swimsuit.

I honestly think you should go for it!!!

You will be in some odd positions and it might be slightly embarrassing for several minutes, but the results are worth the embarrasment and brief moments of pain.

Side note, my cousin is an estetician (sp??) and where she works they also do laser hair removal (it is also a plastic surgeon as well as a spa) Anywho, she told me they are doing brazilian laser hair removal......now that edges on the side of creepy. Can you imagine laying there with your cheecks spread so someone can laser hair remove the hair off your butt?? And it isn't like it is gone in a visit, it is many visits, over the course of a year or so.

Meghan said...

I've never had one, and to be honest, your post just confirmed why I'm scared to death! Ha!

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