The Hurt

23 June 2010
I talked a bit about our first round of battling infertility here that one, it had a happy ending.  His name is Finnegan and he is about the best thing I have ever created {with a healthy dose of DNA from his daddy as well}. 

We waffled about taking the leap to have another one.  People asked.  A lot.  And made assumptions that we were trying, even when we weren't.  We wanted to enjoy every second with Finn, we wanted to be financially ready for the responsibility of another, we wanted to space them enough that they would be friends and not insanely competitive. 

But now, I am older by four years and I thought for sure when we were ready for a second that he or she would arrive in much the same way as Finn did.  We would decide we were ready and start the clomid and numero dos would be here 9 months later.   

But life, it has other plans sometimes.  It's a lesson I am learning daily.  You see, I am not the one who believes patience is a virtue, I am more the control freak who wants things done on her schedule.  We were finally ready, and it would be this year.  It is difficult when life decides to work on its own timeline.  The worst of it, aside from not being pregnant, is practicing what I preach.  The universe knows when the time is right, or if the time is right.  I am learning patience.  I am practicing confidence that my path is on the course it should be.  I know this to be true.  Maybe he or she isn't ready yet, maybe there is something I need to accomplish first, maybe Finnegan needs me to himself a bit longer.  Maybe it isn't meant to be, and that... well, that right there is the possibility that is hardest to swallow.

So, here we are.  I've been through three rounds of clomid with zero result and I am not sure how I feel about persuing something more invasive.  We're exploring options, but I am not willing to send my chances for multiples through the roof nor am I willing to conceive in a test tube.  Just to be clear, it isn't for religious or moral reasons, I just know the limits of what I can personally take and/or put my family through.  It kills me a little inside with each ovarian ultrasound that this is my problem, I am the one failing.  This is harder to admit than I like.  I don't like being the one who fails.  Ever.

The hurt, it is soul crushing some days.  I was in agony when packing away Finnegan's baby things.  He is three, there is no need for rattles and playmats that were stored under his toddler bed.  I kept thinking that someday, someday we would need them again.  Downstairs the crib went.  Clothes packed away.  Should I just get rid of it?  I'm pretty certain that we could finance a vacation if we did.

And with every announcement of a new baby arriving a little piece of me hurts.  Holding the cutest most lovely babies in the world makes me ache.  How much does it suck to say that out loud?  I feel like an asshole because I can not even express to you the happiness I have for my family and friends, it's the little piece that screams, "why not me???" that is hurting.  I try to shut her up, but she is still there, waiting in the wings.  Jealousy.

This man of mine though?  He is unbelievably supportive.  He laughs when I make jokes about being broken and point obnoxiously to my uterus or do the Mary Katherine Gallagher "Barren!" instead of "Superstar!"  He holds me tight when I cry packing baby things away and Finn tells me he's not a baby anymore.  When I was waffling about going to see a specialist or just saying "I'm done," his words to me made every doubt I had dissapate.  Those words?  The parable of the drowning man.  That sometimes the message isn't, "it isn't meant to be."  Sometimes the message is to take the steps one at a time, to help yourself.  So I am, with him by my side.  And just as before, Dave is my strength in all of this.

So maybe send some fertile thoughts or kind words my way?  Right now, I could really use them. 

And maybe quit asking when we're having another or telling people that we're trying, because it sucks to be reminded.  It's even harder when the reminder pops out of the blue and smacks me right in the face. Next time, if you feel the need to discuss my uterus because you feel like gossiping, now you can tell them all of this instead. 

And tomorrow I'll have a really pretty party for you and not a depressing rant about the suck that is INFERTILITY.  {Because in my head it is yelled.}


Kelly said...

I love you M..I'm here if you ever need to talk. I'm also sending OODLES of fertility dust your way. I'm always here for ya with a ear or a shoulder.


Ashlee Martin Smith said...

Infertility sucks. We've being "trying" (natural, clomid, poking, prodding, etc.) for 3 years. It seems like every time we "tried" it did end up working, just for somebody else. Which means there are babies EVERYWHERE except in our arms. It's hard. Really, really hard. I feel ya. Thank heaven for supportive husbands. :) I'll be thinking of you. Good luck.

P.S. Here's a link to my blog all about infertility. I haven't written anything in a while. It's been too painful lately, but I'm going to suck it up and write soon!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

It is hard to know what you want and have roadblocks go up in the way. I'm sending lots of strength and positive vibes your way. I am sure the right thing will unfold for you and your family.

Elise said...

M, I love you and Dave so much and of course that angel child that our family has been SO blessed with. Your family supports you through anything and everything...I might have to tackle any nagging baby pushers I come across. Your strength through everything is so amazing, you are stronger than you know and with Dave by your side theres no breaking you. I love you!!!!!

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry you have this challenge in your life. Although I don't know the heartache particular to your situation, the loss of my mother has left a hole in my life that is not fillable. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your hurt but just know I'm thinking of you and praying for fertility success for you.

Nikki said...

I'm so sorry!! I can't say that I understand but there are plenty of people who do and plenty of people who are there for you...even in the bloggy!!! Know that whatever decision you make will be the right one. You need to do what's right for you and your family. Follow your heart and remember that God won't give you anything that you can't handle!

Stacy Kaye said...

Thinking very fertile thoughts for you, and aching on your behalf.

paige said...

I can't begin to fathom what you're going through, but I do believe that the universe has a plan and that things will work out as they should. Just keep believing it will happen and relax (yeah, right, I know). It will. :)

Bunny @ 86n It said...

It's time like these that I really wish that life was fair. If it was, you'd have babies coming out of your ears.
Big Big E-hugs to you honey.

@JessEsco said...

Oh honey. I'm sorry. I have hugs and luck for you. I am a control freak too so I know about having things done yesterday and on your schedule. I wish I had something more brilliant and inspiring to offer....

Alexis said...

Through all of this you are still trying to help a stranger with her blog! It is so easy to tell through your words what a special person you are. Good things are coming your way.

c parker said...

thou I don't know you, I'm not sure you want to hear from me. For some reason I feel compelled to write. I have three wonderful boys, twins and a singleton. All are IVF. I don't ever think of them as "test tube babies" or not loved as much because of how they came to us. I never feel that my husband or I "failed" b/c our bodies weren't producing that moment. Just my thoughts..... Hoping good things come your way.

Michelle said...

@C Parker, I don't have any issues with IVF, nor do I fault anyone or think it's a bad thing, maybe that didn't come across. Nor did I say ANYTHING about children of IVF not being loved as much. I have watched my friends going through the IVF journey, I know how tough it is. I just know what I am capable of handling on this emotional rollercoaster and IVF and IUI surpass that, which is what I stated in my post. It isn't a choice for ME, it IS a choice for many many many other women.

I DO feel like I'm failing and a lot of people that I've talked to feel the same way. Yes, in my head I know this is my body and it's a medical condition and not something I am able to control. It still feels like a failure. Each and every month my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do feels like a failure.

And since you are new here, you should know I welcome all comments, you don't have to agree with me.

Stacey said...

M, you know I know how you feel to a T, it sucks, it sucks really bad somedays. Like I told you on our fb chat, I will send many prayers your way. Stay strong & have hope.

Kathie said...

Just sending through some ((HUGS)) & prayers. I can only imagine the way you're feeling and I'm sure it's no where close to exact.

Rachel said...

I just found your blog yesterday from birthday girl blog. Reading this made me tear up. I tried to get pregnant for 2 years took clomid for 6 cycles and had given up. I got pregnant the next month. I just had my beautiful son 14 weeks ago. His birth was the best and worst day of my life. I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy at 31. My husband and I wanted to start trying for # 2 when our son was 6 months old. The reality hits me every now and again, but I am so thankful to be alive to be with my son and husband. But I ache for another child. Goods luck with your journey, I know how hard it can be.

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