Crack whore and 15 guys in the attic.

05 August 2008
Dearest Sister:

DO NOT HIDE in the attic with 15 guys and a girl that looks like a crack whore. You will get arrested. After 56:03 minutes on the phone with you, that is all the advice I have.

I love you, but the officer was correct... you are a dumbass. The logic of 17 year old girls astounds me sometimes. I know, aside from being the sister of one, I also coach... I'm around teenage girls more than I like to be.

Here are some signs that you shouldn't be at a particular party, you know, so the next time you'll know. You could fold it into an oragami crane and keep it in your pocket so you don't forget:
  1. You have to throw your purse under a bed to keep people from stealing from you. Plus, it just looks shady when you have to dive under a bed in front of a cop to retrieve said purse.
  2. The girl next to you looks like a crack whore.
  3. You're hiding with an idiot that has a record.
  4. There are 60 kids crammed into a house the size of a crackerjack box on a freaking BUSY street.
  5. There are 60 kids crammed into a house the size of a crackerjack box on a freaking BUSY street AND THEY ARE DRINKING, did I mention that no one is 21?
  6. You have to even consider pulling down a set of stairs and heading into an attic for chrissakes.
  7. If there is even a chance your sister is going to hear about you getting arrested the following day at cheerleading practice.

I am not quite sure when I got "old," but seriously, I never got arrested. You are lucky you didn't call Dad because he really would have left your ass to jail for the night. That's right... JAIL. Do you know the shit they do to pretty girls in the clink? They sure as hell don't let you straighten your hair, you'd have a fro in like 10 seconds after getting hosed down and de-liced.

Your Loving Sister,

M.

P.S. THIS is why I love Emily best. She didn't get arrested did she? Ummm no.

9 comments:

Jen said...

This is why you have parties in the middle of nowhere in HS. There really aren't any cops, and if a cop DOES stop, there are no attics in which to hide. Instead you do the "scatter and run into the field" technique. So long as you run faster than a few other people, you're safe.

Amy said...

'Scatter and run in the field' was often employed by teenage drinkers in my school....

Emily said...

I believe "scatter and run in the field" was also a popular technique at my high school. Maybe you should teach your sister this one?

Michelle said...

Ummmm all three of you lived in the middle of nowhere.

hecknoin06 said...

Damn juvnenile delinquents...I would've arrested her too...then brought her to your house muhahaah

Grace said...

Perhaps she should consult with Kung Fu Girl regarding future endeavors in the clink.

britt said...

Whats wrong with living in BFE? I can't envision E running a corn field..
Not to defend her, but what were you doing at her age?? I was no angel and i know the middle sister wasn't either..

Jackie said...

Thanks Grace!

Anonymous said...

Do they teach "Scatter and run into the field" in home-ec? For some reason they were teaching us "Stop, drop, and roll". Much less effective at avoiding the cops...

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