Motherhood is magic sometimes.
There are days when you are beside yourself that you created these teeny tiny little creatures of awesomeness. Plus, there is the whole second trimester of pregnancy when your skin is glowing and there is the added bonus of crazy good sex dreams, if you’re lucky. These babies start doing all of this cool stuff and you are in awe. You feel lucky that you get the privilege of watching them grow into little people. You walk in their room at night to check on them and you see these sweaty curls and chubby cheeks and it nearly brings you to your knees how beautiful they are.
I’m going to tell you the truth though. There are also SO many horrifying things about pregnancy and babyhood. And these, are the things that my friends and I tend to discuss when we’re together. As we do, we dispense with the niceties and mention those little things that might make you panic a little and murmur, “ mmmhmmm” with raised eyebrows and pursed lips, because you’ve been there.
Baby boys? They pee all over you if exposed to the air for too long! Did you know this? It was like a fountain. Then, he had an assplosion of epic proportions! It was horrible, I had to throw that brand new outfit right in the trash. I couldn’t even. I was gagging, it was so disgusting.
My boob shot milk across the room.
She threw up. All over me. I don’t even know where it all came from, she’s only two months old, it was like The Exorcist!
When you hear someone else astonished that these things happen, you snicker a little because you too, used to be that innocent. Then you had children and the illusion of this blissful, serene, motherhood journey went flying out of the window. This crazy stuff? You usually don’t figure it out until you’re already in the midst of it yourself. You wonder if there is a secret maternal conspiracy not to talk about those things because you’re quite sure that people would totally stop doing this whole motherhood thing. Except… because we don’t have a filter, my friends and I, we regularly have these conversations in front of our friends who don’t yet have kids themselves.
She pooped! Right there on the table when she was pushing. Did YOU know that could happen, because I didn’t! If I poop on the table, I will just die.
Did you know that little bundle of joy might make you sniss? That’s pee when you sneeze, so do your kegels is all I’m saying.
I was just sitting there having a chat with my OBGYN and BAM! I see GERIATRIC PREGNANCY written right there on my chart and I was so horrified that I lost my train of thought.
She had to have that baby without an epidural, there was barely even time to check her when she got there! How she managed to walk to labor and delivery with an eight pound baby’s head half way out of her vagina is beyond me.
Then we’re off laughing. And there is always the same horrified look and response from our friend Ann Marie. “I am never having kids. You guys have scarred me for life.” Oh, the stories she’s heard over the last seven years…
It’s a wonder she is joining this magical club knowing what she knows, but joining, she is. And we are all ridiculously excited on her behalf. Maybe it’s time to start telling her all the magical things that happen?